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2005-07-26 || 11:14 a.m.

I don't feel special. Not at all. I don't even know why I want to feel special. It's really stupid. It's not like I don't KNOW already that I am nothing. And there is no point in writing here anymore either. No point at all.

I am nothing. I am nothing completely and utterly. Everything I might have hoped and dreamed of is dashed and ruined because IT WAS NEVER REAL IN THE FIRST PLACE. These things only exist in my head. They only exist in that place where I can pretend to be human.

As much as I possibly can I keep my eyes closed. I keep my eyes closed for very many reasons. One, because if my eyes are closed I exist a little bit less. Two, because it makes me less aware of myself as an actuality and hopefully removes some of the ugliness I bring. Three, because it helps me feel like I am erasing myself.

And so many other reasons too.

One good thing is that every day I move closer to the time I can leave. It really will not be long now. I just have a few loose ends that I need to tie up. A few things that I absolutely have to do. But really of course I have nothing, absolutely nothing to do. Because there is nothing I could do that would make an impression anywhere.

There are a few other things I am going to write here today. For me. I think. Which will be a first.