even more realisations
2003-11-02 || 11:57 a.m.

I actually don't want to be back on this journey, but I can't see another way.

Six years ago I had a playstation. Six years ago my life was sort of so different. It was more bearable. Alain played Lara Croft, Bex played Discworld and me, being a dimwit platform game playing girl, played Crash Bandicoot.

One day I was crushed to death by wumpa fruit. Didn't you have to collet it or something? I can't remember now, but I remember a whole load falling from a tree and crushing me to death.

That is what I wish for in reality now.

But someone has made me realise two things.

My journey. My dreams. If I cut down the blue lines, in my own home, I am going to damage another person beyond all repair. A person who means more to me than anything else. The person who will find me because they are the only person physically present in my life.

And I cannot do that however much this numbs and kills me.

So would disappearing hurt her less?

Cutting down those blue lines with a cheap Wilkinson razor blade in the grey, cold north sea, leaving the world the day I came into it, with even less than I started with.

It's nowhere near terrible enough for me.