the wicked are vultures
2003-10-18 || 12:36 p.m.

It's very definitely time to write an entry. It's 12.30 and I'm so so sleepy. I don't get enough sleep in the week and then at the weekends I just sleep and sleep until I feel drugged.

So far as my ongoing day to day existence goes, I've had a sad week. Sad in a few different ways. It's a shame the word 'pathetic' doesn't have the same meaning anymore, you know, like pathos.

Anyway, I had parent's evening on Thursday, and it went fine. I have a lot of bitchy girls in my class, like really bad, like nasty stuff, like face pulling and hurtful words and digs with elbows and cold shoulders and exclusive little clubs that you are in one day and out the next. Horrid. I was expecting lots of bitching from the parents too, I got some, but my way of describing to them how we know the girls are like that because they are 8/9 but we are above that means they just cannot then continue to bitch, it would make them look 8 years old themselves. I wanted to cry when one mother said 'thank you so much for appreciating my daughter'. All I could say was how it would not be possible not to appreciate her.

So that evening really made me feel quite sad.

Then yesterday made me feel sadder too.

You would not believe I work in a Catholic school. That I work in a place that is based on the teachings of Christ - supposedly.

There is a massive divide. I try to stay out of it but I am forced into it because others decide upon my place.

I try to be kind to everyone (the other adults I'm talking about now, that I'm kind to the children just goes without saying), I help everyone and I always ignore it when I am laughed at, put down or just plain insulted - which I frequently am by some people there.

Anyway, last Friday Cathy asked me if the new Reception teacher had asked me to her room after school this Friday for drinks. I said 'no', so Cathy said it was probably because she hadn't seen me to ask me. The whole of this week went past and I was still not invited. We went for our Friday salad at lunchtime, an event at which all the new teachers have now declined to join us. I told Cathy, Helen and Tricia that I had still not been invited. Helen hadn't either but she is still on sick leave. Tricia hadn't either but she only works one day a week. Cathy and Helen were so good to me. Cathy said she was not going to go - if I was not invited she didn't want to go and Helen said she would never like someone who could treat me like that.

Apparently on Friday morning little laminated badges and pegs had appeared in people's pigeon holes for the 'Friday Wine Club'. It goes without saying that I did not have one.

Fuck. Who wants to peg a stupid little plastic badge onto themselves anyway?

What do they think I am going to do? Sacrifice babies and bite the heads off bats?

Bastards.

I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway, but that is not the point. People always think because I wear black and live in my own world that I have no feelings. But I do.