and you cry and you want to die
2003-09-14 || 11:15 a.m.

Good. Great. Brilliant. Fantastic.

It's so good to be alive isn't it? So great to be treated like shit by everyone. So brilliant to be messed around and never spoken to clearly. So fantastic to know that there are only 77 days left and I can get out of here via that handy blue lined map on my wrists.

I know that for most people their year doesn't start in September, but for me, being a teacher, I think of September as my new year. And I can tell you that so far its shaping up even worse than last September.

There is no way I am mentally able to deal with another year like last year.

And I know all the things that are wrong with me. I do know, I'm not stupid, I have moments of total clarity. I know that all I've ever wanted is someone to love me. To really totally love me, completely, with no criticism, no demands. Someone who would want to rush home from work to be with me. Someone who would see things I would like and want to buy them all up in the world to make me happy. Someone who would tear all the stars down from the sky if I asked. Not that I would of course. I'm not like that. I don't want to be given things. I just want the person who would rush home to be with me. Who would hold me close, kiss me, care for me, desire me and not mind that I want to bleed under Jesus statues.

And so I really truly hate myself.

And just like when I think of the words 'I love you', I think they are perfect just as they are. Nothing else needs to be said. So I think 'I hate me' is perfect.

Nothing else needs to be said.