i want to be lucky
2003-08-26 || 10:28 a.m.

I don't know that I want to write here anymore. I feel inept and stupid and broken and boring. I want to juggle words into the most bewitching sentences almost like transporting people in a drugged sleep to fairyland but I just feel like the rest of the world is technicolour and I am black and white or maybe grey. Grey would probably cover it more.

Last night I had a dream that illustrates exactly how I perceive myself.

I dreamt I was describing myself.

I dreamt I was like the family in the Paddington Bear TV series. You see, if you don't know, Paddington Bear is 3D but all the other humans are flat. But it went further than that. Not only was I one of the flat characters, I was so finely drawn you could barely see me.

I was almost not there at all.

But I want to be vibrant and beautiful and whole. I want to lie on the earth at night looking at the stars. I want to smell the earth and swim in the sea and I want to lick and taste and smell and bite.

And I don't want to feel like my mind was flattened by a blacksmith.