I tried and I failed
2003-08-20 || 1:15 p.m.

I got really upset the other night because there was a giant spider hanging on my curtain. I didn't get upset because I don't like spiders, I just got upset because I've had to train myself not to mind them because only I can get rid of them. The funny thing was that I put it into a pot and put the lid on it and put it in the front garden meaning to set it free in the morning when I could see what I was doing. In the morning, however, the pot had gone!

But really I feel sick today. Ive had yet another threatening letter because I cannot pay Alain's debts that he left me with - all in my name of course - where he ordered off the internet using my cards or catalogues. And he won't give me any child support either so we have no food, not even a loaf of bread.

My house is falling down. Literally. Every day a bit more of the bathroom ceiling is in the bath. The animals hutches are all falling to bits and propped shut with paving slabs. Eventually I will have to give the animals away because it won't be fair on them. My computer table broke yesterday for no apparent reason. Just collapsed. Of course being the fucking resourceful girl I am I managed to fix it but I just wish for slightly less struggle and a bit more beauty in my life. Nothing more. But just as all the material things in my life collapse around me, so too do any potential relationships.

And this is just not conveying how desperate I am. I can't pay my debts, i cannot see any way out. I haven't paid my union subscription so if anything happens at school and I get sued I really may as well go and hang myself. I haven't paid my General Teaching Council payment which means I'm actually not allowed to teach. I just feel trapped in one of those batman rooms that is moving in on me and I have no way out.