panic
2003-07-26 || 10:58 a.m.

Because I just haven't done anything at all, it's hard to find things to write about. I'm getting panic attacks when I go out and I just have to come home again. I felt like a freak show yesterday. I was feeling scared so I sat on some steps in the shopping centre. There were these two guys who walked past and stared at me. Then they came back again and stared some more. I find things like that really intimidating. I don't mind if people stare and then come over and talk, but when they stare and walk past and stare some more I never know whether they are about to start on the 'Goth bitch, what do you look like' type abuse. Bex has said there is a new thing they like to do now and that is to cut Goth's hair off. Then a kid came down the car park stairs and just stopped in front of me and stared at me. I know I choose the way I look and I'm happy with it, but sometimes I just feel like a damn freak show.

When I came home I lay on the sofa, and I wanted to get a book from the pile behind me, so I sort of twisted around and got hold of it and then I don't know why but I stabbed myself with the corner right in my navel piercing.

On the last day of term, Helen brought me home. She was saying something about how I needed to rest and get better before I decided how I wanted to spend the holidays. I said once I was better I was going to get pierced. She laughed and said at the end of term most people get pissed, not pierced. I am, however, running out of places to pierce. I wonder if Maria can sack me or ask me to take another facial piercing out?

I asked Bex yesterday if she has the feeling she is living more than one life at once. I've always had this thing that I get impressions of other lives, but its not like they are past or future, its like they are concurrent. It's the wierdest thing and I wonder whether somewhere, those people are getting impressions of me. Bex says Ellie has it too.

I'm probably just too fanciful and I definitely have too much time on my hands.