bleakinside
2003-07-16 || 9:56 a.m.

I'm terribly scared. Everything is black and there is no way out. It's all I can do each day to get from my bed to the sofa and then back from the sofa to my bed again later on. I'm too scared to go to the doctor because the doctor will just tell me I am going to die.

And I know that is what is going to happen.

There is no point to my life.

I am utterly worthless. I have nothing to offer anyone. There is no point to me being here so I should be glad that I am going to die.

But I'm scared.

I am totally useless and pathetic. I am festering and awful. I'm worn out and a burden.

Why can't I just accept it?

I have absolutely no right to live in this world. All around me are people who are not worthless, who have so much to them and then there is me and I'm fighting it and trying to stay alive and I JUST HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.

There is never a positive act or thought that comes out of me.

This is not depression, this is such total clarity and understanding that it is scary.

I don't think I was always like this. I think once I could have had some worth but the dirt and clutter that surrounds me and is created everywhere I go, are just what is inside me. What I truly am.

But I'm so sad and so scared and I so wish it could have been different.