die
2003-05-08 || 7:01 a.m.

The full enormity of what Alain is doing is hitting me really hard now. It is such a scummy thing. However I have no-one to blame but myself. I knew what he was like and what he was capable of and I knew I should never leave him or force him to leave me because he would destroy me. He told me that. He said many times that the only thing he wanted in life was to see me destroyed. He is claiming that I signed my name to loans therefore they are my loans, even though actually the loan is only in his name. I did sign something. For fucks sake, he was threatening me. He always shouted at me, spat at me, called me awful names, chased me and hit me. So of course I signed it.

I am scum.

I have thought and thought about this and there is absolutely no way out apart from death.

There really isn't.

I'm not human anyway, so its not like I can be damned.

I have to die so at least I will have destroyed me, not him.