Ache
2003-05-03 || 12:11 p.m.

I've been unwell the last two days and I feel very sad.

The being unwell thing is really not important. Its a stupid sore throat, cold and chest infection thing but because I'm dreadfully sad it is making me feel worse.

Alain just came round to take Bex out and I know its stupid and lame and all the rest but I just cannot help but compare myself to him and I am so, so lacking.

He's there in new clothes, something new everytime, smelling like god knows what with the amount of expensive after shave he's wearing, loaded with money to take Bex out and treat her. He's got a new car, he's going to Amsterdam and South Africa. He has his hair 'styled' in a posh place in Greenwich.

And then there's me.

I can't pay my bills. I can't afford to get the bus even. I buy no clothes. I have to say 'no' to Bex all the time. I cannot afford to have my hair cut which may not matter much but it is getting dreadfully long and uneven. I told everyone I was growing my fringe out and indeed it actually looks cool and I like it, but fuck it, I couldn't afford to get it cut.

And I know material things are not important. I know that very well. But I am lacking everywhere: materially, physically, mentally and emotionally.

And I'm scared at the moment that the things that I believe may not actually be true and there is no way whatsoever of getting any sort of reassurance.