why I'm not a christian
2003-04-26 || 6:38 a.m.

I'm so tired. I've lost count of how many nights it is since I've slept. Too many. I'm at that point where I just want to blow that fucked brain right out of my head.

And I thought about a different me.

I imagined a christian me. I could believe in heaven and hell. If you are good you go to heaven and if you are bad you go to hell. Simple. No stupid fucking grey bits, no worrying. I could judge others. Think myself superior, be glad that God loves me because I am saved and I heard Jesus knocking at the door and let him in and he died to save my soul and I take it literally. And I join a church. I cocoon myself in others who see life in the same simple terms. I use my undoubtedly good social skills to marry some nice christian man. I cook him meals and smile in the right places and have nice christian children and I crush myself into nothingness.

But then one day it all falls apart when they realise WHAT IT IS I REALLY THINK.

I don't believe in a benign yet fucking moody and judgemental heavenly father. Actually if there is some separate deity which I don't believe anyway,then I'd quite like mine to be female if it has to have a gender at all. So my dirty little pagan secrets are beginning to be exposed.

But it gets worse.

Actually I believe God is genderless because I believe we are genderless. We are both male and female. If I remember being a man or a woman in other places and other times it is because I am aware of some oneness of humanity.

And I plunge further.

I do not believe in heaven or hell. There is no absolute good or absolute evil. There are aspects of many things. I believe when we die we return to some eternity, some whole, man is made in the image of God because man is god. There is no difference. No separate being. I will never be this person again. My eternity is everyone's eternity. My personality will gradually diffuse after death, the chances of the same things coming together again are so remote as to be impossible. Like trying to get the same piece of water out of a stream once you have poured it back in.

And my poor christian husband and poor christian children are beginning to feel really uncomfortable now.

And imagine how he will feel when he realises that all the time we were being married I was thinking about fucking him on the altar. No shit. Or maybe I got married in a nice happy born again place, in which case I was having fantasies about that Catholic church down the road.

And so my children will be scarred for life because their mother is a nasty pagan. My husband will never be able to look the priest in the eyes again because he knows what dirty heathen thoughts I harbour and the priest will be broken because I stole the illusion he created so long ago.

And would I want to be any different and do I think any of this is wrong?

Definitely not.

And that's why I am not a christian.