one day I will finally know the way out of here
2003-04-25 || 1:22 p.m.

I quite fancy a bit of time travel today but I'm not sure where to go.

I finally found there was a purpose to my life. Watching 'Wipeout' the category was the Famous Five books and there's no greater expert on the Famous Five than a stupid British middle class cow like me.

Actually the famous five were fucking great. All you needed was there. Kids with no adults interfering, a dog, tents, bikes, brains, you just need to ignore the shitty gender assumptions but any sensible child knows, without knowing why, that some things are products of their time and not relevant in the great scheme of things. Of course any sensible child also knows there is no great scheme of things but that's another matter.

And so the famous five would set off with their tents and their bikes and enough food to feed an army, Timmy with his tail wagging at their side. Off they would go across some moor or other restless to solve a mystery. And then I would make my own small scale version in my head with some outside props. Like the apple tree to lay and dream in. The spot behind the laburnham, half under the blackberry brambles. Or past the strawberry plants where the weeds and grass were so tall, if you were under ten you would never be seen from the house.

And there was that long hot summer that started at Easter, when I would wake up and creep out with a drink, find a secluded spot or in the evening laying on top of the covers with the light still coming through and under the ill-fitting curtains I would have hours and hours to lay and dream before I would finally fall asleep.

And in those hours the famous five would become my children, Timmy would become my dog and my mum would be laughing because I spent the whole summer long wearing a ring on my wedding finger and she laughed and laughed at how unlucky that was and I laughed and dimissed it as ridiculous stupidity and gleefully tempted fate sitting in one of my dens surrounded by my being me things. Half understanding that I would never really be me again.