and I choked on my dreams
2003-04-18 || 9:24 a.m.

It looks like its going to be another beautiful, warm day but I feel like the smallest, tiniest piece of crap imaginable.

I do prefer the warm to the cold but then again when its summer I long for it to be winter. When the evenings are light and long I wish they were dark. When I feel really hot and I just cannot get cool I wish to be wearing a big warm jumper and to be tucked up in bed with a cup of tea and a book.

I guess that shows I could never be satisfied, whatever were to happen.

And so I drift with thoughts that torment and mock me.

But I do believe there can be peace.

I believe in lots of things.

Beneath the stupidity and the dissatisfaction and the death wishes, sometimes, just sometimes, I think I am an okay person.

Sometimes I actually think I am a very worthwhile person. And then I remember how the world and its inhabitants mostly despise me and that tends to bring me back down to earth.

And I would blame myself for losing sight of what I know is right but events laugh at me and I just don't know anymore.

And all I want is the same as everyone else: Peace, love, passion, communication, fun, sometimes to be held and sometimes to be given space. And then I look at this wreck of a person who wants these things and I feel very bad indeed. Because I know that somehow a greater plan knows better but I don't say that in any omnipotent power sense with control over me as some sort of human puppet. No. I believe that this greater plan came from me myself. I believe there is no God but us because God is life and we are alive. And I believe somehow that these personality things diffuse at death and go back to some sort of personality whole leaving the constant behind, the constant that is emotionless and disspassionate but not in a bad sense. And I cannot imagine for the life of me why I woke up this morning and wrote all this. And I believe we experience many, many lives but not in a linear sense. More like lots of marbles in a jar. You could take any one out you choose and it is immediately separate to the rest, or you can put it back where it joins the rest but still stays separate and has no effect on the rest other than just to be there.

I think that that is what I think and I think that I just confuse myself with misinterpretations and fantasy. Or maybe I miss what is really true.

And I suppose I've missed out the thought that we are all connected somewhere along the explanation there. But I'm not sure how that fits in, but I'm sure that it does for everyone else.

And I wish that I could shake off this feeling that once, somewhere I said 'whatever happenes, don't help me because I've chosen this suffering for myself' and I wish that I'd given myself a 'get-out clause' but I suppose I knew I'd wish that and so I didn't. And just to make sure I suffered more I gave myself a responsibility to tie me here.

And now nothing I've said makes any sense whatsoever because I just have this nagging feeling that everything is both connected and yet not connected all at the same time. And I just don't understand it at all.