I just want one night that is free of doubt and sadness
2003-03-23 || 6:46 p.m.

I really do hate myself. I want to rip my heart out, claw my eyes until they bleed, I want to stab myself repeatedly, cut myself until I bleed to death in the dark. I want to die slowly and painfully so I can be in anquish for ages. I want to find I enter a dark world where I can see no light whatsoever, all I can see are shadowy forms all only able to focus on their own pain, with no consideration for others. But I want these shadowy forms to not be real, I just want to think they are real, but really I want to be alone in my pain. I don't want anyone else there sharing that nastiness.

But of course I lie because what I really want is light and love and care. Everyone does. It's normal and natural to want those things. I wonder whether those stories people tell of NDE's are true at all. I would like to feel that love of the universe if it is true. I felt something like that once before in a dream, years ago. Can you imagine being enveloped in totally forgiving, all encompassing, wholly understanding unconditional love? I just cannot believe it exists and yet there's got to be something behind these ideas of light and dark, life and death, good and evil, hasn't there?

But I don't think I can ever have those things: light and love and care because I truly do not believe I contain any of them inside myself. I think you have to be able to give love in order to receive love. I think I am incapable of love. I believe I am wholly evil and I need to keep it under control at all times. And away from others. That's the most important thing. I think you can tell how full of love the universe is, because it keeps someone like me away from everyone, protects them. It does that because I haven't been capable of doing it myself because my evilness means I think I should have things. Now I am aware of it, I need to try to do something about it.

I know this is hard for people to read and they will dismiss it, say its depression or illness or something. Well, what that says to me is that its good that they don't understand, because by not understanding it shows they are not evil too. I think that thinking of people like me as ill makes it all more palatable. I do think that many of my physical symptons are signs of my inner appallingness.