the spirit of the beastie boys lives on
2003-03-16 || 8:23 p.m.

I have to ramble now. I'm thinking about the things I wrote earlier today - what did I write earlier today? Well, whatever it was, this my third entry today, which is also totally irrelevant, is full of many things.

I had this idea. Its seems a good one. I'm tired. Constantly. So I thought about what matters most to me, what matters most to me that I actually have, that is. Music. I had this idea that I would listen to all the music I have ever liked in a sort of spiral right back to the beginning and then when I got there, I would kill myself and it would all make perfect sense. But then, being me, I went and did it all wrong and started off with the wrong time. So I amended it. I decided that over the next few weeks or however long it takes, its not important, I will listen randomly to stuff I love, varying it between vinyl, cassettes and CD's and intertwining it with stories and memories. So today I listened to what I suppose you would term 'new wave' from the late 1970's and early 1980's. I listened to Ian Dury and I thought about PE. One particular PE lesson at school when the task was to perform a short sequence to a simple rhyme. Everyone did nursery rhymes and stuff like that. Me and my friend did 'hit me with your rhythm stick'. Then I listened to Elvis Costello. 'Armed Forces' was the first LP I bought that was sort of punk. I always liked Elvis Costello. Hmmm. Actually I'm not sure I'm being truthful here, I also got Parallel Lines that year - I dunno which one came first. Then I played Lene Lovich - her version of 'I think we're alone now'. It reminded me of Tiffany. When Tiffany was in the charts was the year I got pregnant. There was this kid in the road down from my parents house who just thought I was tiffany. He used to follow me down the road singing 'I think we're alone now'. I told him I actually was Tiffany and used to sing for him every time I saw him. Then I played the Members and 'Solitary Confinement' which of course was amended by the Neurotics to become 'Living with unemployment'. I just love the Neurotics. One of the best and most underrated bands ever. John Gaston introduced me to them. Me and John used to hang around a lot together. He's a driver. He used to take me out for the day on his deliveries and we used to have such fun. He rings me every now and again to check I'm okay. He's terribly loyal. He gave me the Clash book that came out last year with all the photos in. And then I played Kirsty MaColl. She had a lovely voice but I can't think of a story to go with her particularly except that I remember lying in the bath one afternoon when Bex was about 3 or 4 and listening to her version of 'Days'.

Well that's it for today.

When I get to the end I'm gonna cut my wrists and let someone else take control of my life because I've had enough.

Walking back from the town today this guy put his arm around me and told me I was lovely. Then he took his arm off and said 'god you're thin'. I thought it was a bit much really to put your arm uninvited around someone and then criticise what you find.

I said to Rebecca that I thought I had started my period but I couldn't be bothered to go and check. She said 'oh that's a really rock 'n' roll attitude towards hygiene!'