the witch is dead
2003-03-04 || 4:09 p.m.

I wonder how you know if you are having a breakdown.

I got to school this morning and I just started crying. I didn't stop for over half an hour. They had to put me in the staff room with a cup of tea. No-one knew what to do with me.

I am numb. Cathy and Helen said at lunchtime that I need to see a doctor. But I can't. I don't deserve to. They say the same as everyone else, that it is depression that is speaking, not me. But I know that is not true.

Cathy said to me that she had never known anyone with such low self-esteem as me. I said I don't have low self-esteem I just face reality.

And that's the truth of it. I'm not depressed. I don't have low self-esteem. Alain is awful to me because no one could be nice to me.

And even if medication would help, what would be the point? It would just mask me. This is the true me. An awful, horrific person. The mice are just the outward sign of what is inside me. (Nice Catholic imagery!) I am just an infestation. I am poisonous and diseased just like vermin. So how fitting all this is.

The hardest bit of all is hearing what others have to say because it makes me feel so selfish. I know I suffer not at all. I know what I am is this and just this. I am not explaining this very well. What I mean is that others have things that are bad in their lives and they truly do suffer. I have no right to feel bad. Everything that has happened is as a result of me and my actions.

I know. This is boring stuff. The same shit as yesterday. It's just a question of trying to sort it out in my mind, trying to come to terms with what I am. Its hard. Because I still have that thing in my head that thinks I should be happy. I still have that thing in my head that thinks someone should love me. I still have that thing in my head that thinks someone should desire me.

And I can't say these things to people because they just don't understand.

They say that someone will go out with me. They say I am attractive. But I know that no-one will ever want me. Who possibly could? It all comes back to the same thing. If your mother does not love you, you are unloveable.

I burden decent, kind people. I burden people I truly like and admire. This is emotional wanking of the highest order.

I hope everything works out for everyone who reads this.

Take care.