...then hurt me
2003-02-21 || 5:04 p.m.

Today I went into the DT cupboard to get some screwdrivers. Whilst I was in there I found replacement craft knife blades. So after school I took one. Just the blade, not the whole knife. So I am a thief. I am many other things too. Shall I list some of them? I'm a coward. We could start with that one. I'm an unbeliever too. Actually I'm glad to be an unbeliever. After mass today, Maria bollocked the kids for not joining their hands.

What is the point of making them join their hands? You cannot force someone to have faith. Maria said, 'you will join your hands'. Okay, so yes, they will join their hands but that doesn't mean they are praying. No-one can make you pray. I don't reckon I've ever prayed. Not really. Not with all of my being. Not prayed so that I felt something. I fiddle during mass, I sigh and I yawn, I say the words if I can be bothered and if I can't I don't. Mass for me is an hour not teaching. I think the kids are great.

What else am I? Unpopular.

Apathetic.

I cannot be bothered. I don't want to be like that. I can be bothered with some things. I can be bothered to write this day in, day out. What's the point of that?

Actually I think its more than apathy and not being bothered. Its more fundamental than that. It's almost like I don't really exist.

I don't understand how I can be so many different people at once. This afternoon I made it fun for the kids because it's half-term next week and they wanted to go home. For them its almost HOLIDAYS! So we did playground rhymes, skipping, ball games and played games - all in the classroom. It was fun. But all the time I was plotting to get the blade.

How awful is that?