As tiring as quicksand
2003-01-13 || 6:02 p.m.

So I thought I'd begin with things that have upset me in the last 24 hours:

1. Finding a double death in one of my mousetraps this morning. I don't feel good about this. Yes, I know I set them but I don't like to see things dead on my account and these two only looked like babies; they were pretty small. I feel pretty bad about it and if I had the time I'd block up all their ways of getting in so that I wouldn't have to kill them but in a house that is 115 years old, that is pretty futile.

2. Sitting in the staff room at lunchtime, doing my marking being unable to help hearing a conversation between two other people. They were talking about going to the gym/private health clubs. Saying about how you need to work out if the fee per month makes it worthwhile going. Then one of them said, 'well, even if you are paying �8 a swim - at least it means you don't swim with the riff raff'. Lovely.

3. Cleaning out my rabbits yesterday I opened Mango's bedroom door on her hutch to get her out and put her in the run. The door would not shut again. Then I discovered that the hinges were totally rusted, the nails had come away from the door and the door would not shut because the hinge was bust and not moving. The door is presently shut too with a paving slab and a dustbin. Now I know that I am going to have to find her another home because I cannot afford a new hutch and having the bedroom door propped shut is just not good enough. You may think I'm stupid for fretting over a rabbit but Mango is sweet, she's no trouble and she didn't ask to come and live here.

And so now I think I'll move on to realisations I have come to today.

Well, spinster teacherhood is my fate. So, I'm going to grow the hairs on my legs, cultivate some hairs on my chin (even if it means hormone treatment), buy ugly sandals and wear only shades of brown. But on the plus side I have accepted that I should dedicate myself to the kids, keep up with my marking, do good displays, lots of good lesson planning and take stuff home because fuck it, I have no life. Ok, I capitulate. I accept that as much as I want too, I am never going to have sex again, so fuck it, relegate it to memories such as riding a bike or believing in Father Christmas.

To finish, I thought I'd share one tiny little bit of my day with you. I was wondering which bit to share, but I picked this:

I left the house at about 7.40am to walk to work. I had been up since 6.15am and emptied one mousetrap, set three traps, fed and watered the rabbits, walked the dog, checked diaryland, made two packed lunches, had a shower, drunk a cup of tea, drunk a glass of orange juice, ate a grapefruit and warmed up two croissants for breakfast for me and Rebecca. I walked down the main part of East Hill as much as I hate that because of the heavy traffic but the side roads are still icy and I have inappropriate stupid fucking biker boots with chunky heels. I was carrying two bags full of books, which kept knocking my black fluffy bag containing my walkman and so kept turning it off which was slightly annoying. I walked down East Hill, I walked through the town. I put my bags down in the town centre and looked up at West Hill which I still had to climb.

And all I could think was 'fuck it, I'm knackered'.

And truly I was.

And walking to work is the best part of my day.