disappear into the endlessness of black
2003-01-09 || 12:20 p.m.

Shall I write about what I really want?

I want what I have always wanted ever since I was conscious of being.

All I have ever wanted is that other person that will make me feel complete.

I wonder how much is real and how much is fantasy. And then I wonder if the things I think and the connections I make between the things I think and the things that happen are fantasy, then really they are real too. And then it makes no sense whatsoever.

Ever since I was small I felt out of place. Totally out of place. I never felt like I belonged in my family. I always felt I had been born in the wrong place. This is probably really common. Its probably some sort of archetypal isolation thing. I don't know.

The things that appealed to me when I was really young were Russian, the colours red and black, gypsies, horses. The thing that always kept reoccurring in my dreams was fire. Being trapped by fire, being burnt alive. On my wrists I had burn mark scars that I was born with. i could hear people's thoughts. I could see scenes from a past, feel how someone else had felt.

I've always had this aura around me. I've always stood out just that little bit from the people around me. I've always had a brick wall around me.

I've always had this urge to get to where I should be, to cast off the wrong place in which I was born but I've always had more apathy than direction.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who I was, or who I will be or if I am anything at all.

I want to hold the right person close. I want to lick every part of their body. I want to bite them and smell them and I want to take my wall down for them. But really I want to find another person with the same wall so we can build it around ourselves and share the darkness. I want to find another truly black soul