roll on the breakdown
2003-01-04 || 4:33 p.m.

when will I get the hint?

My emails all get lost.

I don't like playing games and so I won't write cryptically.

Someone wrote something in a diary, I thought it could be about me because I'm fast losing my trust of internet people. I just asked them outright. They replied with a load of bullshit that I cannot understand as if they are somehow more 'enlightened' than me. I think true enlightenment speaks the language of normality.

And I don't know why, but I don't have the confidence or the ability to just think 'fuck you then'. I worry. I worry about what complete strangers think about me - as if it matters.

I get pissed of with my emails never arriving. Its like that catch 22 situation, if I send one immediately after saying i sent one I just look paranoid because you can guarantee it arrived and if I don't you can guarantee it didn't.

And I just want to cry at the sheer frustration of it all because I just get EVERYTHING WRONG ALWAYS.

Do I hurt people all the time? Do I? I just don't know. I don't think I do, I try really hard not to. I know there are some things about me that could do with being different but I try really hard to be a decent, honest person.

Where am I going wrong?

I wish all this would just dissolve into nothingness because every word, every action, every thought, every breath of mine hurts.