It is not just as we take it, this mystical world of ours
2002-12-31 || 10:35 a.m.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for a 'phone call that will never come.

I've no need to make up excuses in my head as to why this may be. I don't need to think, 'oh maybe he lost his mobile' or 'maybe he's ill' or 'maybe he input the number wrong' or 'maybe he got an offer from blonde twins' because I know that actually he just thought better of it.

So I think its a good idea to think about what my plans are for this coming year - such as they are.

Okay. Its simple really. I'm going to focus on Rebecca, my animals, my friends and keep my house tidy. Yeah, I know, the last one's a bit of a joke. It's hard to keep the house tidy when you are depressed but I will try.

These aims come with counter-aims.

I will stop thinking about myself. I will stop mooning around about Ben. I will see him in the way he is meant to be seen; as a visitation to show me I am nothing. Delivering me the message that not only would no-one in their right mind want me; no-one in any mind would want me.

I will try to be accepting of always being alone. And I don't just mean sexually alone, i mean everything alone. I can't understand why I have these conflicts of understanding at all really. I know I am worthless. I know I am nothing. I know I have nothing to offer anyone at all except for pain and confusion but still there is a tiny bit of light inside me that doesn't think that.

2003 will see me obliterate that light.

But remember what I wrote at the beginning of this entry. I will replace these negative, pointless yearnings with real, positive actions. I will think only about Rebecca. About making sure her life is good and nothing like mine.

And yes, I know, I know, I could make her a far better balanced person if I loved myself. Well sorry but I just can't okay. And given that those are the circumstances, I'll do my best within those circumstances. It is only me I want to destroy in this whole world you know. Isn't it better to turn hate inwards? Better than heaping it onto others, surely.

The animals - oh and the plants too, I really should think about the plants - well, I've been trying really hard since the summer to think about, care about and look after the animals really well. Again, I know I shouldn't really have them because I'm out a lot of the day. The rabbits have each other so they are not lonely but I do worry about the dog. It's my selfishness that causes him to be here.

My friends. I don't know what to do about them really. The majority of the people I know have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER how I feel about myself. And I'd quite like to keep it that way. Why do I want to keep it that way? Well, because whenever I've tried to speak about how I feel, they laugh at me, put me down or just plain ignore me. So I'll get the message really well this year. THERE IS NO-ONE TO THINK ABOUT YOU - YOU JUST HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THEM.

To those people that understand or know what I am really like. Well, I'm sorry. But trust me on this one; I prefer to have a friend who knows what I am really like and is still there, than one who I have to pretend around.

And then we come to my poor house. Well the tidying bit is just a lack of discipline on my part. Yes, I admit it, I am a slob. I think probably out of all of it, this will be the hardest one because I just have no enthusiasm for anything. So I will just have to stick it in with the 'Rebecca' one and keep it tidy for her. Maybe that will make it work.

Who knows?

And then just to totally torture myself, I'll put in what I'd really like 2003 to bring me!

haha. A partner. Mental, emotional, sexual and physical understanding - yes, in that order. I'd like to travel, visit people and places. I'd like to be able to work part-time and to be good and successful at my job - I don't mean materially, financially, I mean have good effects for others. I'd like to be pregnant or maybe have more children in my life - they don't have to be mine, I'm not bothered on that score. Sometimes when I'm being reasonably kind to myself I do think I have the capacity for a great amount of love. I'd like to want to stop cutting myself and on a totally trivial level I'd like that so I don't have to choose clothes to hide myself.

But mostly I want everyone else in the world to have a happy life. I want no-one else to feel the way I do. I recognise that there are people who feel the same and I do wish that wasn't so, and so all I can say is that I hope that something/someone comes along that sweeps all that away and makes it as if it never was.