she should have died when she was born
2002-12-27 || 9:32 a.m.

I had another silly and pointless dream. I dreamt that I was sorting stuff out and I had a pile of odd bits that once belonged to toys. I put them all to one side in the vain hope that I would be able to find the toys they went with so I could give them to charity shops rather than just throw them away.

I woke up in a panic, baking hot at 4.09am. The light was on, the heating was on. I'd fallen asleep on top of my bed having 'just gone upstairs for a little bit'. I thought I was having some kind of hot flush until I realised it was a combination of my clothes and the heating.

All the lights were on and Rebecca had not gone to bed either. She had fallen asleep downstairs. The fairy lights have stopped working in the front window and I'm fucked if I know why.

I still feel totally detached from everyone and everything. My mind feels fuzzy and slow. Today I want to do some spring cleaning. I still can't eat but I can drink tea. I need more goats' milk though.