you have to accept, you are here and then you're gone
2002-12-12 || 6:03 p.m.

Inside me is filth too desperate and nasty to even begin to describe.

I am not human like others. I am just foul and horrible.

I'm not going to write about myself anymore. How dare I? How can I have the total audacity to think that any sort of record of someone like me should exist ever.

I am so ashamed when I think of how I behave. How I buy clothes and walk around with an image, a look, wasting money on myself, thinking I look good. How I think I am attractive and sexy and yet the evidence against this belief is truly overwhelming.

When I try to speak at school, in the staff room, others speak over me. I am truly a non-person.

But still I don't get it.

BUT I WILL.

I MUST.

I have to fucking accept this. I have to, because hope is destroying me. Hope is hateful and nasty. In my case, that is.

My life is over and the sooner I accept that and start existing the better.

I am a foul piece of filth that is not even good enough to be abused.

And you can say or think what you like. I really don't care. I know the things I write and think are hideous and insulting to others. I know that. But they are my thoughts, about myself, not about anyone else. I truly do believe I am a thing apart. I am totally deserving of this utter hatred that I have for myself.

And I don't want platitudes either. I don't want to hear things like, 'if you believe in yourself things will be good' or any other similar 'feel-good' crap. Because you are applying the standards of the human race to me and I AM NOT HUMAN.

Now I die.