Like the past, I have no destination
2002-12-11 || 9:34 p.m.

I'm so cold and very tired. I bought Rebecca a birthday present today. I hope she likes it. I can't say what it is because she may read this.

Fourteen years ago tomorrow I was told my kidneys had failed. I had pre-eclampsia, placenta praevia and I had to go into hospital to have a caesarian.

And out of all that chaos came Rebecca.

After I had her I was still very ill. I had puerpural fever. (You'd almost think I was making all this up). I was on four hourly anti-biotics. I didn't have Rebecca in my room until the Friday night. I was young and I was scared. Rebecca cried all night. I fed her. I changed her. I cuddled her but still she cried. In the end I rang the bell for the night nurse. She came. Took one look at me and took Rebecca away with some comment such as 'now she won't disturb your sleep'.

I DIDN'T MIND HAVING MY SLEEP DISTURBED. I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE RELIEVED OF HER

because it wasn't a relief.

When she was gone. I was bereft.

I cried the whole of the rest of the night. I thought she would know. I thought she would think I didn't love her when of course I loved her more than anything ever.

And I still do.