more happy birthday thoughts
2002-11-30 || 10:30 a.m.

I just wish I didn't hate myself. I try not to but its like having to force yourself to be nice to someone you don't like: It takes massive effort and it only lasts for a little while before your true feelings come through again. At St Andrew's day mass yesterday the priest was talking about how we should love ourselves and how God always loves us and all I could think in my head was 'he hates me, he hates me, I want him to hate me'.

Sometimes I think I am truly mad but I really do feel totally dark and devoid of any light or essence of God. When I think about me, I feel such revulsion.

At lunchtime yesterday Helen was saying that she didn't believe that there was a God because a supreme creator would not create something as imperfect as the human race. I said that maybe it was that if you thought of all humanity as one whole, when you put us all together we become something perfect. I said that if you take all the good in everyone and put it all together, probably you do have perfection. And it is loss of ego and returning to that 'oneness' that is true bliss.

But then in the blink of an eye I think that I talk a load of old bollocks and there is only the instant here and now and it is that that depresses me because then I think of the chances I am wasting and the time that is passing me by. And I was going to say that I know that one day I will wake up old and alone but HAHA that day is already here.

And so all I can do is wish and wish and wish for everyone else to have perfect, wonderful lives and reject my ego now, knowing that I will not get to return to that bliss because I did not come from there in the first place.

And just as a postscript to this entry: Trying to be friends with me is about as futile as trying to establish a deep and meaningful relationship with a stone.