The Journey - Part VI
2002-11-22 || 10:56 p.m.

The black clouds are rolling in. I haven't managed to get my cup of tea yet. I'm paralysed. I cannot move from this chair. I've made a promise that I won't head for my final destination yet but fuck I want to, I really want to.

Where is all this coming from? I've never written so much in one day. I'm numb with shock at the elaborate hoax perpetrated against me. I almost feel like being angry but I don't fucking know how to be angry.

How do you be angry?

I want to visit another scene now and you know something? This is REAL. This is not fake. This is real. Its me. I am real. Believe it or not. Hard to comprehend I know. Me being real.

There was a time a few years back when I lay in the bath. I couldn't move. There was no water in there, I just needed a place to go. I pulled the shower curtain across and lay there. I could hear people calling me, wondering where I was, I never wanted them to find me. I have always wanted to be alone. I have always wanted to be alone and yet to be found and held by someone who realises that I don't really want to fucking be alone.

But there is no-one.

I don't know much about anything at all, not only do I not know much, I get what I do know all wrong. But I know some things. I know it is wrong to be nasty and hurtful to people no matter what they've done. I don't know why I know that. I don't know where it comes from. When I was small my mum's advice to me was 'if anyone hits you, hit them back harder'.

BUT I DIDN'T AGREE THEN AND I NEVER WILL.

I wonder if there was truth in anything at all. Any of it. All I have done is to share parts of myself with certain people. I think that's a good thing to do. I don't think moments between people can be dictated by others. Contact can be made in many, many different ways. None of it is wrong. I'm NOT SORRY for what I did. Not at all. Actually.

I wonder if him telling me he still wanted to fuck me on Tuesday was part of your plan?

No-one owns me. No-one.