This feeling's much too real to ever disappear
2002-10-27 || 12:46 p.m.

I got up early today because of the changing the clocks to end Summer Time. I tried three times to write in here but couldn't think of a thing to say.

Well, that's not strictly true. Everything I wrote seemed trite and stupid.

I then felt so desperately sad that I went upstairs. I went up to get a blanket to put over the cupboard door under the stairs because its blowing gales outside today and a big breeze comes from there straight through the front room. Instead I lay down on the bed and fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was walking the dog. I decided to resurrect the summer route but I found myself walking on a beach. I was looking down at my feet and could see that I was walking on a rough track that feet had carved out over the years. Along the sides were grass but I was walking on fine stones and sand. I walked to a solitary shop but had to pass through a station on the way.

Years and years ago when I was very small I'm sure I had a near death dream. I dreamt I was in a field and running straight through the middle of it was a stream. On the other side were people waving at me. They were encouraging me to cross the stream to see them. In my dream I was very aware that if I did so, I would die - in reality. So I turned back.

Why do I never make the right decisions?