I know the time is nearly right
2002-10-20 || 9:38 a.m.

I was going to start this entry in quite a different way, but my beautiful daughter has added me to her 'favourites' (after I was demoted a while back!) and put a comment about me, and only me. I feel bad when I go on about being alone and having no-one that understands me, because I know that Rebecca does. She has seen me the last few days in the grip of one of my awful black times and she just wants me to feel better.

And the scummy thing about me is, that that should be enough for me. But it just isn't.

The reason it isn't is because I have always been driven by a desire for a real, whole partner. A man, that is. I don't mean to feel like that, but I just do. I can't remember when I didn't feel like that. And of course this is where all those lessons I should be learning come in. Thank God for people like Ben showing me that my wishes are unrealistic. The best thing about what happened there was that he kept telling me that I was wrong. That I was special, beautiful etc. He fucking almost got me believing it! Ridiculous. And the beauty of it all was that, of course, when I fell, I really fucking fell. And even though that was a pretty awful event for me mentally, it still wasn't enough to get the message across to me.

But I think we are almost there now.

I thought I had left the 'not being able to read' behind me. I read for two days. A really good book, too. And that was why I can't read now. The problem is/was that the book is about the experience of living. It is not about the experience of existing. And so you'll understand what I am getting at when I say I cannot read it.

I'm beginning to look at my thoughts and interpretations in retrospect. My total destruction is almost complete.

I just need to strip myself fully now of those stupid things that make me 'me'.

But I need to wait for a while longer.