All Mod Cons
2002-10-11 || 5:37 p.m.

Yuk. I've just had a horrible experience.

I rang Alain to tell him about the letter I have to send - for his information, so that he wouldn't be shocked and telling him not to worry and it was just a negotiating point. He got really arsey. He just started going on about how he has no rights re Rebecca and he focused on (for some strange reason) that I could 'take her to hospital or change her school' without his permission ?! I then said maybe he should focus on positive things rather than negative and I said 'you know, like the fact you have access to the house whenever you want'. He then just said, 'yes and I can put it on the market without telling you'. He then hung up on me.

Why?

I am extremely upset. I don't care if legally he has no rights to Rebecca, morally of course he has rights. His arsey attitude towards any other thing, such as me or money would not change my opinion on that - he can see her whenever he or she wishes. The stupid thing is, he doesn't want to see her anyway. He comes round, makes half-hearted passes at me or sulks upstairs. He doesn't ring her, he hasn't taken her out. Nothing.

I've tried to explain that if we have to go to court, a judge will take way more money from him than I would ask for. He just doesn't get it.

Now again, I'm worried about my diary. Will he try to use it against me? Am I mad? Would it be admissable in any sense? I don't know, but I don't see why I should stop writing it. My bills are paid, I go to work, I love, feed and clothe my daughter. Could anyone take her away from me?

Could they?

Surely she can only go if she wants to.

At work they say I am too reasonable towards him. But I don't want to be unreasonable.

Sometimes I'm glad I live in my world, but other times I wish I lived in the same place everyone else does. It would make like a hell of a lot easier.

I'm scared. Fuck.