I have been staring too long at the screen
2002-10-07 || 5:46 p.m.

What a bore. How can I be ill again. I just went to Sainsbury stocking up on lemons. I think I need the vitamin C. Hot lemon drinks for me tonight.

There were very long queues in there at the checkouts so I decided to plug myself into my walkman. Suddenly it struck me how nice it has been these last few weeks not to be moaned at or laughed at. I mean not at all. The worst one, the one that used to make me feel so very small was when Alain would make a dumb face at me, you know sort of like a bit simple, and start mimicking slashing his arms. I hated that. I know I suck giant monkey balls, I don't need reminding, certainly not in some gross, immature mime sequence. But he would constantly put me down about everything I did and everything I said. And now no-one does that. Cool.

Of course, no-one says anything nice to me either, but then no-one ever did. That was why I fell for the B. stuff so badly. The one I remember most, and this will show what a dumb arse I am, was when I said to him I would shag a man who asked me if I wanted lemon in my drink (I'm serious!) and he said: I WOULD GET YOU A WHOLE LEMON TREE!

Can you imagine it? Hearing stuff like that after years of being laughed at.

I need to write some of this down. If you are finding it boring, exit now.

When I was about 17 I was out down the town with Alain and a guy stopped Alain and asked for 20p for a cup of tea. Alain said, "I'll give you 50p if you snog her" (indicating me). So the guy duly stuck his tongue down my throat and Alain gave him his 50p.

Another time I was kissing Alain - and I was still at school at this time - and he gobbed in my mouth. How totally gross.

He used to spit at me quite a lot actually.

I know its in the past, and I know people probably think I should not write about it so much, but move on etc But hell, it takes a long time to begin to recover from stuff like this. Apart from the fact that I became a mother, which was the best thing to ever happen to me, I almost feel like I've been robbed of the last 20 years of my life. I was with Alain since I was a child. I don't know me as an adult on my own because I've never existed in that way.

The things that happened to me are just beginning to surface slowly. I'm sure there will be lots of entries inbetween that won't contain this boring crap.

I do wish, though, that I could read.

Why can't I read?

It's really beginning to bug me now.

I'm getting worried that I may have left it for so long that I just won't be able to do it again.

And is it wrong to still hope that one day someone will say nice stuff to me.

Maybe not wrong, but wholly unrealistic.