This was not what I planned
2002-09-24 || 6:53 p.m.

haha, another whiney entry. It wasn't meant to be. First of all I was going to write about the priest at mass last night and how funny he was, then I was going to explain about why I had to go to mass. Then this morning at school, after a conversation with my classroom helper, I thought about writing about my children and how I care for them and how I think children should be treated in general. But now its the same old shit.

My dad had a right go at me. He made me cry. He shouted at me about my finances, about the house, about Alain, he made me feel sick and stupid.

I am sick and stupid.

I feel so empty I cannot even think what to write.

When I am at work I am so different. I have this edge, this sort of crusading edge. We had a meeting after school about our timetabling. I said I WOULD NOT remove my circle time from my timetable however much anyone pressured me because it is fun, it is enabling good social interaction between the children, they play games, talk to each other. I then said that when we are inspected, as literacy co-ordinator I will be happy to justify this to any inspector as fulfilling the speaking and listening criteria which actually the literacy strategy ignores even though the National Curriculum says it should make up a third of literacy. Anyway, I am hard to argue with when I am on a mission. Very hard. I am Msfuckingjustify.com.

I hate myself so much. I wish I just could fold in on myself. I don't know that person at work. The one that tells the children how brilliant they are, how unique they are, who praises them, cuddles them, jokes with them to the point that I have to throw them out of my classroom at the end of the day. Maybe I have an illness. That CANNOT be the same person as this one. The stupid, ineffective, pathetic, unloveable shitheap who sits here boring the arse off unsuspecting and totally expecting but glutton for punishment punters.

Send me honest messages. Tell me to fuck right off. Shut up. Get a life. Anything to stop me.

Because if someone doesn't stop me soon, I will.