So tired
2002-08-07 || 10:19 a.m.

I'm going to write two entries today.

The first is going to be 'ego wank about me' stuff. The second is not.

Right.

I don't know what is happening to the holidays - where they are going. It seemed such a long time two weeks ago but I am wasting it. I am having a lot of problems summoning up any energy or enthusiasm for anything - but I am trying.

I did have a sort of revelation last night. I thought about personal responsibility and decided that I should focus entirely on this. I do try not to blame others for the way I am. I believe that some of the things that have happened to me have been catalysts for my depression and lack of self-esteem but I always try to remember that these ARE in the past and I should be concentrating on me and how I react to my past; not blaming my past.

Of course the strange thing is the things that affect me that seem to come from outside my experience. That's a really crap explanation. What I mean is, I will feel black and alone and I cannot pinpoint the reason. The day can be going well and suddenly out of nowhere the blackness descends. Last week when it happened, immediately beforehand I got a really strong sense of doom.

I do have what some might call a 'sixth sense'. I think we all do really, its like exercise - if we don't use it, it doesn't work properly. I got a strong sense of doom the day Basil died. I knew I would be near death the day the shelves fell on my bed. I still don't know the reason for my strong sense of doom last week but it was immediately followed by this depression. Now I feel as though I am waiting. But what I'm waiting for I don't know. Actually, 'waiting' is not the right word. I feel suspended.

I feel suspended within suspension.

Like my whole life is waiting and I am waiting within the waiting.