Maladjusted
2002-08-01 || 6:43 p.m.

The depression, blackness and nothingness that is my life has reached unbearable depths. I am being defeated.

I have never felt such intense and utter despair before.

It is entirely my own fault. I allowed myself a shred of optimism, a sliver of hope. I should have known that no-one would ever, under any circumstances, want contact with me.

It feels as though a deep, thick, impenetrable blanket is covering my mind and I am powerless to shake it off.

It brings to mind a chorus about God's love I used to sing as a child. I can only remember the bit that went something like this:so high you can't get over it, so low you can't get under it, so wide you can't get round it.

There was a gap there somewhere because somehow it managed to miss me.

Zoe has gone mad on 'Emmerdale'. The script writers decided the best way to dramatically portray her madness was to show her reading aloud chunks of the Bible. I found that fucking amusing, if somwhat insulting to Christians. If only I could go mad and take to solemnly reading selected portions of the Bible. I could select great bits. I very nearly know it back to front.

I feel that my fear of being damned as a child was both astute and well founded. What I failed to realise was that it had already happened.

Damnation is being utterly alone and yet totally aware of your situation.