Everything is black
2002-04-09 || 5:20 p.m.

This is just going to be so dark and nasty that if you're easily frightened then exit now.

I've just had a really hot bath and I think its gone to my head. The blackness descended on me again and some may call it depression but not for me. This is reality and deserved.

I start from the inside and I turn it out.

A few years ago I had been wallowing in self pity, really very nearly suicidal. If it hadn't have been for Rebecca I would definitely not be here now. I felt so bad. Then I had a realisation. I should not feel pity for myself because it was what I deserved.

This is not translating into words well.

Basically, I am a horrible black nasty pit of hell inside - a microcosm of the world as it is. I can pretend otherwise but I know the truth. If I ever tell anyone any of this they look at me as if I have attacked their mother or something. No-one can handle it. No-one realises that it is the only way I can cope with the hell that is life.

There is no way we go to hell when we die. I think we are already there. No point in being a Christian - you already had your chance and fucked up big time.

I don't know what I want. I want to not be like this but then I wouldn't be me and I am used to being me, me is who I am. I want to be happy. I want to like Hearsay and go to see Pop Idol in concert. I want to eat Pizza and believe in God. I want to not want to laugh at people like Cliff Richard. I want to respect authority and be fucking normal.

Instead I am sardonic and cutting. I like music by dead people, Pop Idol would kill me, God is dead, Pizza sucks - the cheese makes me chuck up, Cliff Richard should be culled and authority is there to be kicked against.