No regrets?
2002-03-14 || 10:33 a.m.

You know, I just want to wake up and not feel ill. Its nearly a week now and I still have a headache, feel faint and sick etc. The headaches are my favourite. Yes, its sinus attacks. Haven't had a really bad bout of this for five years now so I should think myself lucky I suppose. Its not as bad as before either. Before, every morning when I woke up it felt like someone was stabbing my down through my brain with a red hot poker. I had a headache for six weeks, can you believe it. I had three courses of antibiotics and nothing would shift it. I had my brain checked for tumours as well as I was paranoid I had a brain tumour and when you watch someone die from one of those you know how bad the pain and suffering actually is.

The worst thing this time is that I can't take those strong painkillers anymore. A couple of years ago I was mucking about on the floor with Rebecca one summer evening. I had a short skirt on and she suddenly yelled out, "what's that on your leg". I looked at my thigh and I had this massive purple bruise that looked like a love bite. I'd been scratching there earlier in the day. I went to the doctor because you shouldn't really bruise from scratching. The doctor gave me a blood test and when the results came back a week later it turned out I have a low platelet count. This apparently is caused by the strong painkillers I take everytime I get a headache or anything. It was my sinuses that caused this because the pain at the time was so bad that nothing would get rid of it, the strongest painkillers I could legally buy just took the edge off. Of course I stayed with them and carried out taking them anytime I had a pain. Fucked with my blood apparently.

So now I can only take disprin.

Rebecca is watching N-Sync on MTV. Why? She's meant to be an emo kid.

I've been thinking about Jon a lot lately. Its funny to think that I should be married to him now. This Christmas was the first Christmas that he's not been to see me. It is the only time of year that I do see him now and eventually I just won't see him anymore at all. I met him through Soo because she went out with him when we were at school. Her parents were old and strict, mine couldn't have cared less what I did particularly. Jon would ring me to arrange to meet Soo coz he wasn't allowed to ring her. Of course eventually me and Jon were closer than Soo and Jon. They split up and me and Jon remained friends. We spent all our time together, except at school but I would meet him before and after school and at lunchtime plus every evening. When we left school we still spent all our time together. I would say that we really loved each other but whilst Jon was just kindness itself to me, what was I? a bitch. He always said he would forgive me anything but not if I went back out with Alain. When I did go back out with Alain I told Jon at the Tramshed in Woolwich. He tipped a pint of beer over my head and smacked me round the face. He didn't talk to me properly for a couple of years. We had an arrangement to get married in the year 2000 and even though I was living with Alain, this was still going to go ahead. I know it all sounds a bit bizarre. Anyway, twice leading up to 2000 Jon told me he still loved me but all I would do was to flirt with him and lead him on. Eventually it backfired and he married someone else. So we never got married. And he moved away. Although I would say that I don't have regrets, if I did have a regret, that would be it. And Steve if you're reading this, don't mention it down the pub at all.