in the beginning
2003-06-14 || 1:44 p.m.

It just struck me today how, when I was a kid, I thought the world was static and I was motion. I thought that the world would stay the same and I would grow up and that my adult life would be lived in the world I knew as a child. And yet for a child who was so obsessed with history and who understood change in that sense, it seems an odd thing to think. It seems like I must have thought history and change applied to other things, but that I was able to be untouched by it. Even though I already had my own history. Aw, shit, I hate the stupid person who thinks all these things. I'm tired of all these layers of thought. I don't even know if my past is my past. How do I know? It could be anyone's past, how do I actually really know it is mine?

What I mean is, how do I know I've always been this person? I might have only become me last night. I might have only begun to focus through my perception last night, or last week, or five years ago. How do I really know? These might not be my memories, they might belong to someone else. There is only this instant. There is only now and only when I think now, does anything become real, other than that nothing exists at all because I cannot prove that it does. It could be that I just created it all now, this instance, before that there was nothing.

Is that what the creation story means?